Lucky.

I don't feel like talking about my actual life. Plus, maybe somebody will get something out of this little story. Either way, I think it needs to be told. It's the amazing life of one little hamster.

Lucky was born one of two runts in my sister's second batch of hamsters. See, originally there weren't supposed to be any hamster babies because the pet store told my parents that both hamsters were male. Well, sometime after Christmas, when there was a new litter of pink wiggly things in the cage, we figured out that atleast one had to be female. (Thus the entrance of Squeak and Master Chief). Anyway, the first batch was given away quite easily. My sister loved breeding them, and she did a really good job so my mom said she'd let the hamster have one more litter. We put mom and dad together again and in a few days...twelve new disgusting hamster babies.

Twelve is a lot for any mother to handle, this hamster mom was no exception. She ate a couple, bringing her total down to eight. Then there were two runts. We knew she was going to turn her focus on them soon, as she was still pretty frustrated with the work motherhood involved. Sam (my sister) wanted to wait a couple days to find out the sex of the little runts so that she could divide them properly. (There are now two hamster rooms to avoid anymore litters, boys and girls.) Anyway, the mom couldn't wait and ate one of the runts before we could save him. The other Sam was pretty sure was a boy so she snatched him up and put him in the cage with his dad and brothers.

He was the most adorable hamster ever. Out of all the babies, he was definitely my favorite. He remained about half the size of his brothers and sisters. He was light blonde with big black eyes. Actually, for the longest time one of his eyes wouldn't open, and we called him Squints. But now he has two big, beautiful eyes.

Anyway, because he was so cute and so tiny, I picked him up all the time. I would put him in my coat pocket and walk around my parents house with him because he would just fall asleep in there, and I thought that was pretty freaking adorable. So one day, I took him out to show my parents and for whatever reason, when I got to the kitchen, little Squints took a flying leap out of my hands straight down to the hard wood floor. He landed with a "Splat!" that will forever remain in my mind. I immediately screamed "Oh no!" and scooped him up. He wasn't moving. I burst into tears and held on to him. My sister, who had also just lost her bird, came in and asked what happened. "I'm so sorry!" I wailed. "He just jumped right out of my hands." She took him from me and I continued to cry (don't laugh, he was so tiny and plus I'm hormonal).

"He's moving!" Sam said.
"Don't lie!" I said, opening her hand. Sure enough though, he had begun to stand up. In a couple of minutes he was starting to walk around slowly and soon we saw that no damage had been done, except for a little loss of wind from the fall. Thank God.

From then on, his name was Lucky. He lived happily for a while in the house with his father and brother. He was kind of a loner, and for a few weeks whenever we passed by his cage we'd pick him up just to make sure he was alive. One day, on her way down the hall, my mom made one of those very stops at the boys cage. Lucky was on top of one of the toys, definitely alive and awake but strangely not moving. She reached in to pick him up, but when she pulled on him, he wouldn't budge and he began to bite her furiously. She realized that his foot was stuck somehow in the hamster toy.

She pulled both Lucky and the toy out of the cage and gently worked to get him free. Once free, it was obvious that his little leg had been broken. We were sure, after everything he'd been through, that this was finally the end of the road for poor Lucky. He walked around dragging his leg as if nothing were wrong with him, but we were sure that if he didn't die from the wound, then the other hamsters would surely kill him.

Days passed. Lucky's leg eventually fell off and he was left with a stub yet he hobbled around as quick as the rest of them. The other hamsters didn't even seem to notice he was handicapped. By this time, Lucky was just part of the family. There was no way we could give this little one away (not that anyone else wanted a handicapped runt). We had fallen in love.

Unfortunately, the hard times were not over for poor Lucky. He was now a mature age, though he still looked like a little baby. Sam started to notice that the father hamster now paid quite a bit of attention to Lucky, which was strange because he was a loner...and because he was supposed to be a male. Fearing that she'd made a mistake, Sam removed Lucky from the males cage and put "him" in with the females.

A couple days later, Lucky had babies of his/her own. Now she lives in her very own brand new cage with her babies. She seems to be doing very well, taking care of her in-bred bastard children, and of course we wish her the very best.

Poor Lucky. Born a runt, unwanted by her own mother. Nearly killed by a fatal fall in her childhood. Lost her leg as a teenager, mistaken for a male by her family and finally raped and impregnated by her father as a young...woman. This is tragic enough to be one of Oprah's books of the month.

I guess if Lucky can push on through every day life, the rest of us have no excuse. Of course, I'm not sure if I'm kidding or not when I say that. She is just a hamster, after all. I am a firm believer that God uses the little things in life, and Lucky is one of the smallest so maybe we should take a page from her book. Either way, that is the story of Lucky.

Take it as you will.

People Suck.

Okay, so I am aware that the title is both unimaginative and immature, but I don't care. It fits. And it's honestly the only way I can think to put how I'm feeling about the general human race at the moment.

Actually, this has been going on for years. And I don't think I mean all people. And I am slightly aware that, since the common denominator is me, maybe I am the one who sucks. For now, I'm just going to say that "People" suck, and I'll state my case and maybe you will agree and maybe you won't.

The first friend that I can really remember having is Candice. I met her in 4th grade, when my family moved down to the beach. I won't go into all the history that came before that, which had a great deal to do with who I am today, I will save that for another blog. I will say, that moving to a new school and making new friends was something that I was not a stranger to. For some reason, I picked Candice and that is how it has been ever since.

Our relationship is rocky at best, and has always been this way. She's had kind of a difficult life too, and I know that tends to make one a little flaky. I myself, am flaky, so I don't exactly hold that against her. I do hold the fact that she has blamed every bad thing that has ever happened to her on me against her. And the fact that every time she ever got into trouble, she must have told her family that it was my fault, because that is how they have always treated me. For some reason, I am a trouble making, slutty hoodlum in their eyes, though to my knowledge, I have never done anything to deserve that reputation. When they heard I was getting married, the first thing her mother said was "Oh, she must be pregnant." It's not because I'd been faithfully dating the love of my life for the past four years. Oh...and I wasn't anywhere near pregnant until a year and half AFTER the wedding. Go figure. So, I guess you can see I have some bitterness here.

Candice has never been one that I could share my secrets with. She always shared them with her mother, her boyfriends, or whoever else she felt needed to know. I had to find this out the hard way, many times. I can't explain how many times I've felt stabbed in the back and basically abandoned by this person who calls herself my "best friend". Anytime she's ever had a boyfriend, I've been pushed to the back burner until they'd broken up. I know this happens to everybody, but after ten years of friendship, you start to expect a little more. Plus, I'd never done that to her.

I don't know if it has to do with being pregnant, or the fact that a lot has changed in our lives in the past few months ( a job change, a big move) but I've been feeling especially vulnerable. Therefore, I pretty much decided to just stay within my inner circle which basically only consists of Josh and our immediate family. Branching out right now, for me just seems too painful. And Candice never has anything nice to say. She's very critical...of everything. She turns her nose up at the fact that we're having a baby every chance she can get. To say that hurts me is putting it very mildly. Despite the fact that I know deep down that she is not now, nor ever has been my best friend, parts of me hold on to the fact that she could have been and though she doesn't deserve the title, she claims it every time it is convenient.

This is the girl who didn't come to my baby shower because she was mad at me.

Unfortunately, I don't have to make this stuff up. She called me on Monday, sounding peeved, and wanted to meet me at Starbucks. Fine. So I go, and after about three hours of talking she says, "So, I have to get this off my chest." Being the gracious friend that I am, and knowing she'd been through a tough personal problem a few weeks ago, I hadn't yet mentioned the shower, and the fact that she neither called nor showed up. "Okay." I said, and waited for the ball to drop.
"Well I didn't come to your shower because I was mad at you. You never returned my call."
I just blinked. Thousands of hateful thoughts started to flood my brain, but mostly I was just shocked, yet again, at her selfishness. I pretty much explained in the paragraph above why I didn't call. She hurts my feelings for sport, and I'm pregnant and damn it, I don't feel like dealing with her right now.
Yet, I said nothing. She went on,
"Plus, I didn't get you a present."

I wished so badly Josh was with me. He would have given her an ear full. Why is it that when it comes to her, I can't defend myself?

Then of course, there was Mark and Karen. That was just one huge "Ouch." We thought they were friends of ours. We introduced them to our friends and family, they even stayed a night at Josh's mom's! We trusted them with our time, emotions and even our money but when it came down to it, they were only interested in the latter. It's not even like we had a lot of it, but they had big plans. None of which involved us, it turns out. My heart couldn't have been more broken and I can honestly say I haven't yet forgiven them. They called once, last month. Said something to Josh about how they have a team down here now and that we should come out to the meeting. No thanks. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, I'm pulling the freaking trigger, you dig?!

Those were the two major influences that I can remember right now. There were tons of other people, and thus tons of other reasons, why I should never attempt to make another friend as long as I live. Like that time when I was the new girl at church, and I was standing in the group with the rest of the girls, making plans for the weekend and one of them says to me, in front of everyone, "No, not YOU." Yeah. How do you recover from that? I'll tell you how, you start hanging out with the guys. There's something so primitive and easy about men that I find irresistible in the friend department. They're honest, and they hardly ever work to deceive you. They just don't see the game in it. Of course, being the girl that only hung out with the boys at church helped label me in a new way. By then, though, I had already given up.

So Candice's friends and family told her that because I hadn't returned her call in a few days, she should replace me as her maid of honor. (Long story, but she's supposed to be getting married in October. Too bad she doesn't have a date, place or even colors picked yet. And of course, somehow, this is all my fault.) After my talk with my mom and my husband (who both believe that her reasons for not coming to my shower and for being the way she is are basically bullshit) I am starting to feel the same way. Maybe she SHOULD replace me. Maybe I've lost interest. Maybe, just this once, I have my OWN life and crap to deal with and MAYBE I'm about to have a child and that is a BIG DEAL. Maybe, this one time, I'm not going to feel bad for something I haven't even done and I'll focus my time and energy where it belongs, on my family and even myself. I'm tired of feeling guilty and taking responsibility for her stupid mistakes, and I'm REALLY tired of being the topic of conversation in a house I haven't stepped foot in for three years. They know exactly shit about my life, and what I've been through, and what's going on now. All she cared about at Starbucks was getting out her feelings, and exactly why they were my fault. And all I did was, in Josh's words, "take it up the butt". I QUIT THIS JOB.

God, if I had the actual gumption to call her up and say that. I wish more than anything that I did. I could just get it over with, and that painful part of my life could finally end. I guess that is why I suck.

And I'm not in the market for any more heart break. I'm quite satisfied with the people I know now. I don't have the time, energy or room in my life for a person who may or may not shatter me yet again. It's one gamble I am NOT willing to take at this time. I've come to the conclusion that people are not deserving of my friendship and I am not deserving of the pain they will inevitably put me through. I know I sound dangerously near becoming a hermit, or one of those freaky "Cat ladys" all the children in the neighborhood are afraid of, but I do have some friends. And I do have my family and believe it or not, I love a good "surface friendship" every once in a while. I really enjoy meeting and talking to new people, but I won't go any deeper than that anymore. The honest truth is I'm scared to death, and I don't have an evidence as to why I shouldn't be.

People suck.

Last days of Freedom.

Or so it would seem. We'll just assume that I won't have any freedom for the next 20 years so if I do, it will be a nice surprise. Anyway, this past weekend was great. Friday was a holiday, so Josh actually got off work. Bill had won a nights stay at the new Holiday Inn in Harrington, and he offered it to us knowing it was probably our last weekend together before the baby. We checked in at 3pm and our care-free weekend began. Basically, we just looked over the bathroom (which was beautiful, and BIG) and then we flopped down on the bed to check out the entire 100 channels the room had. (We're used to only having about 10). I brought Josh's Easter basket for him, upon request. He was so excited, it was literally about 6 lbs of chocolate. We ended up watching child birth on the Discovery Channel (no lie) until it was time for dinner.

We also had a major hook up for dinner, as Josh's dad had given us two $20 gift certificates to a local steak house. Originally, we had both decided to get something for around 20 bucks and then we'd only have to pay for the tips and drinks our selves. Well, when we got there we decided to splurge and I ended up with a filet mignon and Josh got a 16 oz. Porter House. We still only paid like $16 for the whole thing, anyway. The food was great, and as usual so was the conversation. It got a little noisy, and we made a game out of trying to figure out what music was playing in the background. I think I won that one.

Back at the room, we discovered a CSI marathon. So, we flopped back on the bed with the chocolate and watched a few hours of it. (We used to be much more exciting. Actually...no. That's a lie. Anyway, a free room with a basically free dinner is pretty much all the excitement we can handle these days.) We got thirsty some time around 11, so we took a walk across the street to the gas station where we were almost run over by several pimped out hoop-dees. We did make it safely back to the room, and more CSI. Despite all the sugar, we eventually fell asleep, planning to make it to yet another free meal in the morning.

Hotels are adorable to me. My family only stayed at a hotel one time when I was growing up, and it wasn't any fun. We shared it with another family and it was just...not great. Since I've been with Josh, we've stayed in quite a few, and I almost always enjoy them. I just have a thing for little bottles of shampoo and people who will come in and clean up your mess for you every day. So just like the tiny bottles of soap in the bathroom, there was a tiny breakfast buffet downstairs. Actually, there was tons of food but all of it was tiny. They even had tiny yogurts. I was in heaven.

We finished early, and I had already worked an hour long shower into the morning schedule. Josh went first so I'd be able to guarantee myself the longest possible time in the shower. I don't think I've complained too much about the shower at our house here, but I will say that I honestly hate it. Everything else in the house is great, but I loath that shower. Naturally, I couldn't wait to use the one at the hotel. It was huge, there was water pressure, and I didn't have to keep adjusting the temperature. I also didn't have to wear flip-flops. When I got out, my hair was actually clean! I stayed in as long as physically possible. Any longer and I would have cooked myself and the baby. That's a memory I will definitely hold on to for a while.

Clean and fed, we left to fulfill the rest of our weekend. After a brief stop at home to feed the dogs, we headed out towards the beach. We couldn't have asked for better weather. We spent hours walking up and down the board walk, most of the time claiming an entire bench to ourselves to just people watch and talk. There were dogs and puppies everywhere since it is technically still pre-season. I pointed out a couple of chubby girls in bikinis just to make myself feel better. (I know I'm evil, but let me just say that there were so many nice looking girls out that day that I had to do something to take Josh's mind off of it.) Eventually, with Josh's help, I was able to get over my insecurities. We saw German shepherd puppies on our way to dinner, they were gorgeous! I can't wait until we have some more of our own.

We had our long awaited Grotto's pizza for dinner. It was definitely worth the wait. We even had some left to take home, which ended up being Easter breakfast the next morning. We then headed straight for Ritas where neither one of us got the gilatis we had planned. We both ended up with custard cones, and they were awesome. We speculated for a while, as we always do, as to what the heck custard is. We still have no idea.

I can't even remember what we did when we got back home. Maybe Josh could explain. All I know is I was exhausted and my feet were huge. I plopped down on the couch and we may or may not have watched something.

The next morning was Easter, and as I said earlier left over pizza was for breakfast as we were a little later than planned leaving the house. We actually made an appearance at church where there were a bunch of people who seemed genuinely shocked that I am still pregnant, despite the fact that they KNOW I'm not due until the end of the month. Ugh. After explaining the obvious, Josh and I made an escape for his mom's house where we planning on a huge Easter barbecue. It was honestly perfect. His dad grilled, and my parents came too (though they were late, as usual). Mike and Mallory even made an appearance and Mike was actually in a terrific mood until Mallory picked some little fight with him which turned into something ridiculous and they left without saying good-bye.

This is already long as it is, but I will end in saying that it was the best weekend we'd had in a long time. The only thing that could have made it better, was being able to let someone else carry the baby for me those three days. (Hah, you had to know that was coming.) I do look forward to pushing him in a stroller rather than our current mode of transportation.

I actually have another post to start, as something else meaningful has happened since that weekend (it is now Thursday), but I will leave you with this update from my doctor: If Riley doesn't come on his own by next Tuesday, they are going to induce me sometime next week.

So there you have it.

Stole it from Hubb.

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)
Hey...I thought this was supposed to be my stripper name. *shrug* Anyways... JoJo Elsmere

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on mother's side first name, favorite candy)
Claire Nonpariels

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
L-Sam. Bleh...what's a fly person?

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite animal, name of high school)
Shepherd Cape

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Nicole Wilmington

6. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME: (name of dad/mom, cell phone Company you use)
Michael Verizon

7. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Samprajax

8. PORN STAR NAME: (middle name, street you grew up on)
Nicole Elsmere

9. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (first word you see on your left, favorite restaurant)
Camden Olive Garden


Where the heck did you find this, babe. It's down right shameful. Ha!

Secret thoughts of Preggo.

Mike calls me Preggo. I guess he thinks it's cute. Anyway, I thought I'd use this title to warn my male readers (do I even have any females?!) that what is to follow, may or may not be desired information. You don't have to read it...duh. I just feel like I should get some of this stuff out. I rarely ever talk to anyone about how it feels to be pregnant, especially the way it feels towards the end, like I am at present. So, read on if you wish. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'd say my most prominent thought this last month has been "Where the hell are my feet?!" I mean, technically I can see them, but they aren't MY feet. I don't know whose they are; some fat lady stole mine in the middle of the night. Only if I lay around for days at a time (which never happens) am I able to see some thing like what my feet used to be, but still not quite the ones I remember. I haven't been able to touch them for a few weeks, nor be able to fit them into a regular pair of shoes. I wear flip flops 24/7, thank God it finally got warm. I won't even tell you what my toes look like. Since I can't have candy, I asked Josh if I could get a pedicure for Easter. He agreed.

It's pretty much the same story with my hands. I can't get my rings off, which is no big news to pregnant women around the globe, but also my watch doesn't spin on my wrist anymore. Which gives me the impression that my whole arm is pretty much blown up. Josh calls me a water bottle. My family comes up with the cutest names for me; I'm so lucky. *Eye roll*

Luckily for me, I can tell that most of this is just water. I don't know what the heck makes me hold all this water in. I know some of it is from diabetes and some of it is dehydration. I don't get it; I drink freaking constantly. And of course it's mostly healthy stuff too. Propel is definitely my new best friend. Every once in a while I'll sneak an actual soda, with real sugar and real caffeine in it. These are honestly like little vacations to me.

It's like Miranda (from Sex and the City) said, "I'm like a flotation device". That's what it's like, except I'm pretty sure that if I were thrown into water, I'd sink pretty quickly. Carrying around the extra weight is absolutely exhausting, and that is the most frustrating thing for me. I was so a "Go" person before. I did things (everything, really) pretty much spur of the moment, and I would go all night too. I basically had no limitations on my energy. Now...not so much. Josh and I clean on Sundays. I can now handle about two hours before I pass out, no matter how much sleep I got the night before. I also get grumpy around 9 or 10 every night if I'm out. Josh has been really good about getting me home before I turn back into a pumpkin. These limitations have kind of cut me off from our friends that are our age, since they pretty much don't wake up until 9 or 10 at night. I'm guessing that's kind of a long term thing, as I'm sure Riley won't be invited to too many parties. Not that I mind, his life is much more important than getting buzzed and talking crap all night (as fun as that might be). Besides, it's not like I'm totally giving up my social life, am I?

I can't wait for the first night I don't get up six times to pee. Of course, those bathroom breaks will be replaced with getting up to a crying baby. The first night we all sleep through, will be an absolute miracle. I'm also hoping that is the same day I fit back into my old jeans. Then I can really be excited. Think of all the money we will save on toilet paper!

At the moment, I can't think of any more. I have to get ready to go to our financial class at church, which we have missed two weeks of due to Josh's work. Bleh. I'm sure there's tons more. I haven't even touched on heart burn (why won't it go away?!), my skin or my fear that I will never look like myself again, but we'll just say that those are pretty close to my heart too.

Just so you know, I'm not complaining. These are just the facts. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally ready and excited to be done with all this, but I know that it'll be quite worth it too. Josh and I bought a tent so that we can take Riley to the beach. Starting with the month after he is born, we will be going twice a week. (See, I haven't lost my "Go" attitude, though I may not physically be able to back it up).

Yes, it is amazing how much Riley has already invaded our lives. We installed the car seat, and I'm amazed at how much our car shrank. It looked so much bigger, even with two German shepherds in the back. Speaking of the dogs, Riley is also a big part of the reason why they will continue to live outdoors. They really seem to enjoy that, at least, though I really miss them. Big time. As Josh mentioned in his blog, Riley's stuff is everywhere. That is no exaggeration. The house is pretty big compared to the apartment we had, thank God. I'm not sure what we would have done with it all.

Still, I can't wait to see him. Any day now.

But he better wait until AFTER this weekend.

Shower Day...and other stuff.

So Saturday was my baby shower. It was a lot less scary than I thought it would be, in fact, it was actually pretty great. Riley got a TON of stuff, I was pretty amazed. He probably has more clothes than I do, and definitely a whole lot more toys. I know people love buying baby stuff, I've been invited to a few baby showers in my day and boy did I go crazy buying stuff for people I don't know. He has a stack of bibs, blankets, and three drawers full of clothes. He even got a few bags, which I thought was kinda cute. I can only imagine what it'd be like if we'd had a girl. Girls are even more fun to shop for.

In the end, we made out great. We got all the major things we needed, including some money so now all I have to do is figure out what we need that we didn't get. I'm sure I won't know until the minute I need it and don't have it...but such is life. I even got a gift from Mallory (Mike's girl friend...uh...fiance...something). Anyway, I shall take it as a peace offering. Maybe I'll tell you that story someday...

I took the last two days completely cleaning Riley's room and packing a couple bags for D-day. I had a bunch of doubles so I sent those over to mom's. She's completely excited because that means I intend to leave Riley there for at least hours at a time.

Tonight is Mom's birthday, and even though she already made a stop over here today, we're going to see her again tonight. She got her present from us, which was a travel mug (if you know my mom, you know why she needed this) and a gift certificate. I don't know what we'll do, probably just help the kids make a cake (which I can't eat) and then watch American Idol. Wow, how shameful is it that I just admitted to watching that show. I'm sure my I.Q. has dropped some in your eyes but...you'll get over it.

Anyway, I'll keep this short as I don't have much to say. You can probably tell I still haven't been to forums from my lack of frustration with the idiots of the world recently. I guess maybe I'm saving my energy.

Unlike this bunny.