I've been changing everything this spring. We did some pretty serious spring cleaning and redecorating and so I thought...I guess I'll finally update my blog. Every time I log in, Blogger asks me to update to their new thingie and I have just been too lazy/busy but today I finally did.
Honestly, it doesn't look any different to me. I guess if you know HTML you have more options but me I need one of their stupid little templates. I guess the dots are ok. I was really finding my pink pretty obnoxious.
That's the weird thing about being pregnant. I now think everything I liked when I was pregnant is ugly. Hah. And I also want to change things now as opposed to last year when I didn't even want to switch shampoos. It's a strange thing, I tell ya. I guess it will probably be the same deal next time around, if there is one.
Anyway, that is all.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The First
Today is the first day of spring. (I know...it snuck up on me too. ) And it is actually very nice out. But today, the weather is not what is impressing me.
I know I'm just a little girl, with an old lap top in a rented room in lower Delaware. But today, I'd like to give the opportunity to anyone who reads my pathetic little rants for a new beginning. Most people do this on New Years, however with the prospect of a new season and all kinds of new life around, I'd like to open those doors yet again.
Frankly, if you're going to lead any sort of a happy life, you need to consider each day as a new beginning. There isn't much you can't bounce back from, but our society has become increasingly over dramatic. My theory: What's done is done. You absolutely must go on.
So, in an attempt not to fill your heads with what I believe new beginnings to mean, I'm going to end it here. No, I'm no professional but I've seen a lot and I am wise beyong my years! (haha...but seriously...)
Enjoy life. This is the only one you get.
I know I'm just a little girl, with an old lap top in a rented room in lower Delaware. But today, I'd like to give the opportunity to anyone who reads my pathetic little rants for a new beginning. Most people do this on New Years, however with the prospect of a new season and all kinds of new life around, I'd like to open those doors yet again.
Frankly, if you're going to lead any sort of a happy life, you need to consider each day as a new beginning. There isn't much you can't bounce back from, but our society has become increasingly over dramatic. My theory: What's done is done. You absolutely must go on.
So, in an attempt not to fill your heads with what I believe new beginnings to mean, I'm going to end it here. No, I'm no professional but I've seen a lot and I am wise beyong my years! (haha...but seriously...)
Enjoy life. This is the only one you get.
Friday, March 16, 2007
One for the Books
Wesley is in the ground, my friends.
Ahh...eventually they will literally be in the ground and I will dance upon the grave with sparklers and wine!
So! We went up there today to get that shady monkey off our backs. I also had planned to walk out of the building with my transcripts in hand. That didn't exactly happen but, they should be in the mail by Tuesday. I simply can't explain the joy I'm feeling.
It feels incredible paying people off. I'd pay people to leave me alone any day! "Here's some money, now shut up." That's just me. I love peace and money is just okay.
But again, Josh and I had one of our deep conversations on the way up where I did most of the talking (ahem, ranting) and we both ended up irritated (not with each other). People...argh!
It's just that Wesley is very shady. They have, what I've called, a $1000 transfer fee. Even if you go to the school and get the print out of what you supposedly owe, there's 100 little items on there. It's all mixed up, oddly titled and it's basically a "What the hell" item. Upon receiving said list, even Josh whispered to me, "Let's just pay them." And that, my friends, is their goal. We paid them, though, because we have lives to go on with. All my rich little class mates that transferred paid it and never batted an eye lash. Sometimes you just have to let the House win.
The other thing we discussed was one of my biggest pet peeves ever. I don't have a name for it, but it has something to do with how lazy and disrespectful people are. As I've said before, I don't think I expect much from people. As far as I'm concerned, it's the Laws of Humanity that require people to be decent and respectful to one another. I don't believe in excuses. There's absolutely no reason for stupidity. (Yes, shit happens. I'm not unreasonable. I'm talking about the real stupidity and if you're not stupid, you know what I mean.)
Example:
One Wesley experience I have involves our Student council stealing money from our freshmen class. I'm not sure what the technicalities were as far as how they got their hands on said money, but apparently they were able to get into our accounts and steal it. They got caught and students were outraged. Yet, nothing happened to them. They were not prosecuted. They weren't even expelled. Reason? Well they were Seniors and if they were expelled they wouldn't get to graduate.
So?!? They know the requirements for graduation. They know it's not okay to steal. Why should we have to make excuses for them so that they get to graduate?? It's not right. It's only common sense that you break the rules, you deal with the consequences. There shouldn't be special treatment for idiots, just because they're on verge of receiving something they don't deserve. They should have been kicked out and forced to resume classes next year. So you're a semester behind? You did stupid shit. Maybe next time you won't be such an asshole. But they got to graduate with a clean record and will probably list Student Council on their resume.
It's a sad state when people turn their eyes from such obvious wrong doings. I personally refuse. I may be the only one who simply will not put up with this any longer. This is going under my new resolution not to allow stupidity in my presence, either.
So, don't be stupid and don't try to get away with anything on my watch. I'm so sick to death of it I might just snap.
And last night in the middle of Wal-Mart (why am I surprised anymore?) these women were being loud and obnoxious screaming about size double D breasts and how they don't have enough food stamps. I swear to God. People have no pride anymore.
State aid is for people who have real struggles, and it is temporary. Those are the rules. At least, those are supposed to be the rules. It's not for people who are lazy, drug addicts, or illegal immigrants. If you're all three, we don't want you here. Please go mooch off of your own country.
I'm all for being who you are. But who you are shouldn't get in the way of other people being who they are.
I am incredibly unlucky that out of all the things on earth that could possibly annoy me, human nature is what annoys me the most. It's not just that, maybe "nature" is the wrong word. These are choices people make. You choose to be ignorant, you choose to treat people badly, you choose to make bad decisions and have the rest of the world pay for your mistakes, you choose to continue to have children when you know you have neither the money nor desire to raise them, you choose not to pay your bills or get a real job or stop whining and get on with life. And I choose to let these things bother me.
I've always been this way. I just can't keep my mouth shut when something is that wrong. My mom always said I just had to get the last word. Untrue. The fact is I can easily admit when I'm wrong. Very easily. You just have to be right about the fact that I'm wrong. And, it would be nice if you could tell me in a way that is respectful. My parents raised me with a ton of injustice and never answered any questions. I was wrong because I was me, and unfortunately for them I was smart enough to know that. We didn't get along well back then.
I'm thinking I'm going to write out what I believe ought to be the Rules for Humanity. If you don't abide by these rules, you no longer get to call yourself human.
Hah! I like it.
Ahh...eventually they will literally be in the ground and I will dance upon the grave with sparklers and wine!
So! We went up there today to get that shady monkey off our backs. I also had planned to walk out of the building with my transcripts in hand. That didn't exactly happen but, they should be in the mail by Tuesday. I simply can't explain the joy I'm feeling.
It feels incredible paying people off. I'd pay people to leave me alone any day! "Here's some money, now shut up." That's just me. I love peace and money is just okay.
But again, Josh and I had one of our deep conversations on the way up where I did most of the talking (ahem, ranting) and we both ended up irritated (not with each other). People...argh!
It's just that Wesley is very shady. They have, what I've called, a $1000 transfer fee. Even if you go to the school and get the print out of what you supposedly owe, there's 100 little items on there. It's all mixed up, oddly titled and it's basically a "What the hell" item. Upon receiving said list, even Josh whispered to me, "Let's just pay them." And that, my friends, is their goal. We paid them, though, because we have lives to go on with. All my rich little class mates that transferred paid it and never batted an eye lash. Sometimes you just have to let the House win.
The other thing we discussed was one of my biggest pet peeves ever. I don't have a name for it, but it has something to do with how lazy and disrespectful people are. As I've said before, I don't think I expect much from people. As far as I'm concerned, it's the Laws of Humanity that require people to be decent and respectful to one another. I don't believe in excuses. There's absolutely no reason for stupidity. (Yes, shit happens. I'm not unreasonable. I'm talking about the real stupidity and if you're not stupid, you know what I mean.)
Example:
One Wesley experience I have involves our Student council stealing money from our freshmen class. I'm not sure what the technicalities were as far as how they got their hands on said money, but apparently they were able to get into our accounts and steal it. They got caught and students were outraged. Yet, nothing happened to them. They were not prosecuted. They weren't even expelled. Reason? Well they were Seniors and if they were expelled they wouldn't get to graduate.
So?!? They know the requirements for graduation. They know it's not okay to steal. Why should we have to make excuses for them so that they get to graduate?? It's not right. It's only common sense that you break the rules, you deal with the consequences. There shouldn't be special treatment for idiots, just because they're on verge of receiving something they don't deserve. They should have been kicked out and forced to resume classes next year. So you're a semester behind? You did stupid shit. Maybe next time you won't be such an asshole. But they got to graduate with a clean record and will probably list Student Council on their resume.
It's a sad state when people turn their eyes from such obvious wrong doings. I personally refuse. I may be the only one who simply will not put up with this any longer. This is going under my new resolution not to allow stupidity in my presence, either.
So, don't be stupid and don't try to get away with anything on my watch. I'm so sick to death of it I might just snap.
And last night in the middle of Wal-Mart (why am I surprised anymore?) these women were being loud and obnoxious screaming about size double D breasts and how they don't have enough food stamps. I swear to God. People have no pride anymore.
State aid is for people who have real struggles, and it is temporary. Those are the rules. At least, those are supposed to be the rules. It's not for people who are lazy, drug addicts, or illegal immigrants. If you're all three, we don't want you here. Please go mooch off of your own country.
I'm all for being who you are. But who you are shouldn't get in the way of other people being who they are.
I am incredibly unlucky that out of all the things on earth that could possibly annoy me, human nature is what annoys me the most. It's not just that, maybe "nature" is the wrong word. These are choices people make. You choose to be ignorant, you choose to treat people badly, you choose to make bad decisions and have the rest of the world pay for your mistakes, you choose to continue to have children when you know you have neither the money nor desire to raise them, you choose not to pay your bills or get a real job or stop whining and get on with life. And I choose to let these things bother me.
I've always been this way. I just can't keep my mouth shut when something is that wrong. My mom always said I just had to get the last word. Untrue. The fact is I can easily admit when I'm wrong. Very easily. You just have to be right about the fact that I'm wrong. And, it would be nice if you could tell me in a way that is respectful. My parents raised me with a ton of injustice and never answered any questions. I was wrong because I was me, and unfortunately for them I was smart enough to know that. We didn't get along well back then.
I'm thinking I'm going to write out what I believe ought to be the Rules for Humanity. If you don't abide by these rules, you no longer get to call yourself human.
Hah! I like it.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Fake punker named Brian
I need to stretch my brain. It feels all cramped and useless in my head right now. I wrote this little hate filled blog on my myspace (hah, is there any other kind?) and littered with profanity though it may be, it describes me at this moment. The only little thing kinda making my day at this point is the random music coming up on iTunes. Strangely enough the little bugger seems to be feelin' me today. The man seems to be enjoying the music too, believe it or not. He's a cool little man.
So here's the thing about profanity. My mother always said that it's the language of the uneducated and to an extent, I agree. I don't have a ton of education (just yet) but I venture to say I'm at least mildly well spoken and I enjoy the use of expletives. The difference is those who know how to use them, and those who aren't (dare I say, creative?) enough to come up with something better than, "Yeah, well you're an asshole!"
At least, that's my opinion. I possess the power to absolutely slaughter people with words. I wasn't gifted with much, but that I have. If you can even call it a gift. Of course, it goes both ways. I can really bring people up with them too. I've even inspired a few in my time. Hah. Not on purpose, of course. I never purposefully do anything productive for man kind.
I went through this stage, I guess around the time I first met Josh, where I never cursed. I guess I was trying to fit in with the little church crowd or something. (Which never worked for me. It's like they say, a zebra can't change her stripes.) Anyway, I was 15 and had no idea who I was. I'm not entirely sure now, but I have a better idea for sure. When I grew a little more comfortable with myself I said, I'm Lindsey, and I use curse words. And I like it. So there.
Immature? Maybe. But I'm all about acting my age, which is 22 and far from old and wise. I'll be the first to admit that. We know a few couples around here who are our age or even younger who act like they are old. God. No thanks. Naturally, we don't have much in common. Josh and I are the cleaner version of the poster children for 20-somethings. That's not a bad thing.
Of course, I guess I shouldn't judge. If those people like acting 40, then let 'em. Whatever floats your boat, right? Right. I don't have to hang out with you. And if I do, don't mind my taking a nap periodically during our visit. I'll be up for the rice pudding. No worries.
Haha. I'm Lindsey. I'm a smart ass, and I like it.
This whole blog has a lot to do with my inner most thoughts so, because of the nature of this post, you may be wondering why I don't use more curse words. (If you think I use a lot here well, hahaha) It's basically out of respect. See, I don't have a problem with cursing and honestly show me where it says in the Bible that I can't and I may consider stopping but, that doesn't mean I'm going to push my language off on others who may find it offensive. That is not my style.
Abrasive, yes. Disrespectful well, my mother taught me better. I really try, anyway. If I've been disrespectful, forgive me. That's my formal apology.
(What the...Postal Service??!?? How the hell did that get on here...@#@#@#) Harshing my groove. Haha. Speaking of 40 year old phrases.
I don't have a point. Is that what you're waiting for? Please. This is rambling at it's best. The only thing that would make this more disorganized is alcohol, of which I have none.
I'm Lindsey, I write stupid blogs and don't care if you read them or not. Bing!
So this is all crap and if you know me you should know that by now. I mean, there's some genuine feelings in this thing, like my views on cursing and stuff. And actually, I'm not going to explain myself. This is my way of venting.
I'm Lindsey, and today I just don't give a shit.
"I'd love to wear a rainbow everyday and tell the world everythings okay. But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back. 'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man in Black." - Johnny Cash
So here's the thing about profanity. My mother always said that it's the language of the uneducated and to an extent, I agree. I don't have a ton of education (just yet) but I venture to say I'm at least mildly well spoken and I enjoy the use of expletives. The difference is those who know how to use them, and those who aren't (dare I say, creative?) enough to come up with something better than, "Yeah, well you're an asshole!"
At least, that's my opinion. I possess the power to absolutely slaughter people with words. I wasn't gifted with much, but that I have. If you can even call it a gift. Of course, it goes both ways. I can really bring people up with them too. I've even inspired a few in my time. Hah. Not on purpose, of course. I never purposefully do anything productive for man kind.
I went through this stage, I guess around the time I first met Josh, where I never cursed. I guess I was trying to fit in with the little church crowd or something. (Which never worked for me. It's like they say, a zebra can't change her stripes.) Anyway, I was 15 and had no idea who I was. I'm not entirely sure now, but I have a better idea for sure. When I grew a little more comfortable with myself I said, I'm Lindsey, and I use curse words. And I like it. So there.
Immature? Maybe. But I'm all about acting my age, which is 22 and far from old and wise. I'll be the first to admit that. We know a few couples around here who are our age or even younger who act like they are old. God. No thanks. Naturally, we don't have much in common. Josh and I are the cleaner version of the poster children for 20-somethings. That's not a bad thing.
Of course, I guess I shouldn't judge. If those people like acting 40, then let 'em. Whatever floats your boat, right? Right. I don't have to hang out with you. And if I do, don't mind my taking a nap periodically during our visit. I'll be up for the rice pudding. No worries.
Haha. I'm Lindsey. I'm a smart ass, and I like it.
This whole blog has a lot to do with my inner most thoughts so, because of the nature of this post, you may be wondering why I don't use more curse words. (If you think I use a lot here well, hahaha) It's basically out of respect. See, I don't have a problem with cursing and honestly show me where it says in the Bible that I can't and I may consider stopping but, that doesn't mean I'm going to push my language off on others who may find it offensive. That is not my style.
Abrasive, yes. Disrespectful well, my mother taught me better. I really try, anyway. If I've been disrespectful, forgive me. That's my formal apology.
(What the...Postal Service??!?? How the hell did that get on here...@#@#@#) Harshing my groove. Haha. Speaking of 40 year old phrases.
I don't have a point. Is that what you're waiting for? Please. This is rambling at it's best. The only thing that would make this more disorganized is alcohol, of which I have none.
I'm Lindsey, I write stupid blogs and don't care if you read them or not. Bing!
So this is all crap and if you know me you should know that by now. I mean, there's some genuine feelings in this thing, like my views on cursing and stuff. And actually, I'm not going to explain myself. This is my way of venting.
I'm Lindsey, and today I just don't give a shit.
"I'd love to wear a rainbow everyday and tell the world everythings okay. But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back. 'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man in Black." - Johnny Cash
Thursday, March 01, 2007
A Faith of Fakers
They found a second tomb that supposedly holds the remains of Jesus. He's buried in what they call a family tomb, in a bone box and the box he's in has his name on it. He's buried with two Marys', Joseph his brother and Judas his son. (These are the titles written on the boxes, I'm not saying they are correct or not). They say that one of the Marys' is Mary Magdalene and she's buried beside Jesus, a place only reserved for blood relatives or wife. They did DNA testing on both the remains and found that they were not relatives, so she was buried there as his wife.
The Bible doesn't mention that Jesus had a family, though I don't see it as a stretch at all. In fact, there's quite a bit of his life that is left out, I believe its between the ages of 13 and just around 30 but I'm no scholar.
The surprising thing in all of this (though honestly, I don't know why it surprises me anymore) is the off the handle reaction from the Christians. There's a movie coming out about all this, though I already forget the title. But the man who made the documentary is getting all kinds of trouble from the Christians. Is it that hard to believe that Jesus's remains were found? Is that all it takes to shake up your little Bubble World?
Jesus was physically a man. We know this, it's necessary for the story to mean something to us as men. He had a physical body which felt pain, thus the passion of the cross. This is a critical part of the Christian faith. Jesus was God in Man. That being said, is it so hard to believe that when he died, he left his body behind? Isn't that what happens to all earthly bodies? If anything, it'd be even more peculiar if there were no body.
The egos on these people are astounding. They ought to know better than this. We don't know everything. In fact, we know nothing. We know what we've been given, and what God intended us to know and I'm not even sure half the people who claim the faith even know that much. It is but a tiny window's view into all that has happened. You just have to accept the fact that there are things we don't know, and that there is a possibility that more will be revealed.
But you'd think they were defending a fake faith. Is all the uproar necessary in this situation? If the story of Jesus is true, and you believe in your heart that it is, then there is no need to be upset about all this. What's true, is true. Nothing that has been discovered or ever will be discovered will change that fact. But with the reaction the Christians are having, you'd almost think they didn't believe it themselves.
Maybe that is the problem. And if that is the case, how am I supposed to believe what they tell me if they don't even believe it themselves. This does not go unnoticed by the "secular" world. Also noted by the rest of us is the lack of reaction to things they ought to be reacting to. Things like proposed laws to imprison parents who are caught spanking their children, abortion, same sex marriage, all these things our culture indulges in with out a slight mention from the "church". For crying out loud, the Catholics are making a name for themselves on the child abuse registry left and right. The molestation cases are piling up against prominent members of the Catholic church and nobody has anything to say about it.
And here's my disclaimer:
I don't really know much about the Bible and that shames me, to be honest. What I do know, tells me that this is nothing to worry about, short of the over reaction from the Christians. I think they need to be more aware of how they look to the rest of the world. That's just my opinion. I absolutely believe the story of Jesus, as it's written in the New Testament, but I also believe there is a lot we don't know, and there is a reason for that. God hasn't changed. He knew better than us when he wrote it and He knows better now. Nothing gets past him, kids. So don't get your panties in a bunch. If you insist indulging in your wedgie and giving the rest of us a headache, make it something worth screaming about. There are many to choose from. I wrote a whole blog on my myspace about what happens to "friends of the Clintons". Now that...is scary.
Who knows if they found Jesus. If so, how amazing is that. People have always said, "Well maybe he was an incredible person, but God I'm not so sure." At least now they can know he is historically correct. Maybe they'll find proof of other miracles, but it's doubtful. Miracles with proof are only half as good as the ones you have faith in.
And God doesn't settle for half as good.
The Bible doesn't mention that Jesus had a family, though I don't see it as a stretch at all. In fact, there's quite a bit of his life that is left out, I believe its between the ages of 13 and just around 30 but I'm no scholar.
The surprising thing in all of this (though honestly, I don't know why it surprises me anymore) is the off the handle reaction from the Christians. There's a movie coming out about all this, though I already forget the title. But the man who made the documentary is getting all kinds of trouble from the Christians. Is it that hard to believe that Jesus's remains were found? Is that all it takes to shake up your little Bubble World?
Jesus was physically a man. We know this, it's necessary for the story to mean something to us as men. He had a physical body which felt pain, thus the passion of the cross. This is a critical part of the Christian faith. Jesus was God in Man. That being said, is it so hard to believe that when he died, he left his body behind? Isn't that what happens to all earthly bodies? If anything, it'd be even more peculiar if there were no body.
The egos on these people are astounding. They ought to know better than this. We don't know everything. In fact, we know nothing. We know what we've been given, and what God intended us to know and I'm not even sure half the people who claim the faith even know that much. It is but a tiny window's view into all that has happened. You just have to accept the fact that there are things we don't know, and that there is a possibility that more will be revealed.
But you'd think they were defending a fake faith. Is all the uproar necessary in this situation? If the story of Jesus is true, and you believe in your heart that it is, then there is no need to be upset about all this. What's true, is true. Nothing that has been discovered or ever will be discovered will change that fact. But with the reaction the Christians are having, you'd almost think they didn't believe it themselves.
Maybe that is the problem. And if that is the case, how am I supposed to believe what they tell me if they don't even believe it themselves. This does not go unnoticed by the "secular" world. Also noted by the rest of us is the lack of reaction to things they ought to be reacting to. Things like proposed laws to imprison parents who are caught spanking their children, abortion, same sex marriage, all these things our culture indulges in with out a slight mention from the "church". For crying out loud, the Catholics are making a name for themselves on the child abuse registry left and right. The molestation cases are piling up against prominent members of the Catholic church and nobody has anything to say about it.
And here's my disclaimer:
I don't really know much about the Bible and that shames me, to be honest. What I do know, tells me that this is nothing to worry about, short of the over reaction from the Christians. I think they need to be more aware of how they look to the rest of the world. That's just my opinion. I absolutely believe the story of Jesus, as it's written in the New Testament, but I also believe there is a lot we don't know, and there is a reason for that. God hasn't changed. He knew better than us when he wrote it and He knows better now. Nothing gets past him, kids. So don't get your panties in a bunch. If you insist indulging in your wedgie and giving the rest of us a headache, make it something worth screaming about. There are many to choose from. I wrote a whole blog on my myspace about what happens to "friends of the Clintons". Now that...is scary.
Who knows if they found Jesus. If so, how amazing is that. People have always said, "Well maybe he was an incredible person, but God I'm not so sure." At least now they can know he is historically correct. Maybe they'll find proof of other miracles, but it's doubtful. Miracles with proof are only half as good as the ones you have faith in.
And God doesn't settle for half as good.
Fear
Riley is going to be ten months old this weekend. I can't believe it's been almost a year already. When you have a baby, people say all kinds of stupid things to you but it turns out a few of them are actually true. Like how fast time flies. It really is amazing, especially considering how long some of our days feel. Haha. I love every minute of it.
I've been noticing recently that little Riley is no longer the brave little man that he was born as. There are little things that seem to scare him now. The other day we went through the car wash and he literally screamed the whole way through. I felt so bad. It's just that, up to this point nothing has really bothered him. Grandma Bonny put him in the bath tub for the first time and again with the screaming. We let a stranger hold him in the restaurant, and his little face scrunched up in the cutest mini-terror I'd ever seen. Then yesterday, he started whimpering and crying during a scene in his Baby Einstein video that featured different kinds of bugs. I tried it again this morning to see if it was really the video, and sure enough it was. My little man is afraid of bugs.
He's still not afraid of falling or any kind of physical pain, I guess because he hasn't really experienced it. Then again, I don't know of any traumatic bug incidents, either.
I've always been told that fear was something learned, and I think to an extent it is. But fear is also something in our nature. I've been with this Man nearly every second of his little life so far, and I watched him develop it. It's pretty amazing, actually. It's also kind of sad.
I recently saw a women's speaker at the church and she said something that really struck me. "You pass one of two things on to your children and that is all. Either you give them God's promises, or you give them fear." This hit home for me because I live in fear of...pretty much everything. It's weird, because I'm not even a careful person. It's not that kind of fear. I definitely fear emotional damage more than physical damage. I can say personally, that after having a baby, not too much scares me in the pain department. In fact, I've said to Josh before that if I could describe my childhood in one word, that would be Fear. And I think that is extremely accurate.
I'm going to be very careful not to pass fear on to Riley. I hate the way I feel most of the time. What that speaker said really made me think about the fears my parents handed down to me. I think both of them (and this is my natural parents I'm talking about) are afraid of success. That seems weird if you're not afraid of it, but if you are it means having to branch out and try something that may very well fail at. So more accurately, they were afraid of failure. The answer to that of course is to not even try. You can see how that affected my relationship with my biological father. His father was a failure, so he didn't even try to father us. It makes sense. I think this is one of my biggest problems too.
So, that being said I'm going back to school. I need to finish this for myself, and also to show Riley that I could do it, even though it scares me to death. Finishing school is the easy part, it's doing something with myself that scares me. If it means one less fear or excuse for Riley to make for not pushing himself, then it's worth it. Not that college is necessary for everyone, it's just that it's what I started. And what I'm afraid to finish. The only thing that will keep me from doing it at this time is if it turns out I can't get enough grants and scholarships to go for free. I refuse to get more college loans. That's not fear, it's just smart.
Anyway, that's my speculation. Take it as you will.
I've been noticing recently that little Riley is no longer the brave little man that he was born as. There are little things that seem to scare him now. The other day we went through the car wash and he literally screamed the whole way through. I felt so bad. It's just that, up to this point nothing has really bothered him. Grandma Bonny put him in the bath tub for the first time and again with the screaming. We let a stranger hold him in the restaurant, and his little face scrunched up in the cutest mini-terror I'd ever seen. Then yesterday, he started whimpering and crying during a scene in his Baby Einstein video that featured different kinds of bugs. I tried it again this morning to see if it was really the video, and sure enough it was. My little man is afraid of bugs.
He's still not afraid of falling or any kind of physical pain, I guess because he hasn't really experienced it. Then again, I don't know of any traumatic bug incidents, either.
I've always been told that fear was something learned, and I think to an extent it is. But fear is also something in our nature. I've been with this Man nearly every second of his little life so far, and I watched him develop it. It's pretty amazing, actually. It's also kind of sad.
I recently saw a women's speaker at the church and she said something that really struck me. "You pass one of two things on to your children and that is all. Either you give them God's promises, or you give them fear." This hit home for me because I live in fear of...pretty much everything. It's weird, because I'm not even a careful person. It's not that kind of fear. I definitely fear emotional damage more than physical damage. I can say personally, that after having a baby, not too much scares me in the pain department. In fact, I've said to Josh before that if I could describe my childhood in one word, that would be Fear. And I think that is extremely accurate.
I'm going to be very careful not to pass fear on to Riley. I hate the way I feel most of the time. What that speaker said really made me think about the fears my parents handed down to me. I think both of them (and this is my natural parents I'm talking about) are afraid of success. That seems weird if you're not afraid of it, but if you are it means having to branch out and try something that may very well fail at. So more accurately, they were afraid of failure. The answer to that of course is to not even try. You can see how that affected my relationship with my biological father. His father was a failure, so he didn't even try to father us. It makes sense. I think this is one of my biggest problems too.
So, that being said I'm going back to school. I need to finish this for myself, and also to show Riley that I could do it, even though it scares me to death. Finishing school is the easy part, it's doing something with myself that scares me. If it means one less fear or excuse for Riley to make for not pushing himself, then it's worth it. Not that college is necessary for everyone, it's just that it's what I started. And what I'm afraid to finish. The only thing that will keep me from doing it at this time is if it turns out I can't get enough grants and scholarships to go for free. I refuse to get more college loans. That's not fear, it's just smart.
Anyway, that's my speculation. Take it as you will.
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