One Week

Today marks one week until the birth of our second child, whom I still cannot bring myself to mention in conversation. I mean, I do but it's always "the new baby" never him, her or the names we've chosen. If someone asks, I say, "It's a boy." because that's the most likely outcome, but I guess because of all the confusion in the beginning, I haven't committed myself yet. And even though we've only bought boy clothes and things, the sex of this child will be a surprise to me when I wake up, either way.

So that's kind of cool, I guess.

On my mind today are a few things as I write this, waiting for Riley to get up from his delayed nap. I'm in somewhat of a panic, right now mostly because I have no idea when Josh is getting home, and it's already after 5. He should be home at 6, but I'm almost positive he won't be, which really upsets me. Normally, no. But my God I've been a hormonal mess these last couple of weeks. I'm not going to deny it. But I'm also not the type to reach out to anybody who doesn't offer, so Josh is, as always , my only rock.

Yes, my disappointment in my family is pretty deep, for this reason. But they are who they are, and I appreciate them for that. It's a good way to stay sane, in that respect.

My other reason for panic is that this time, I have the unfortunate luck of knowing what's coming when I pull up to that hospital a week from now. Some people like to feel prepared but it's a foreign thing for me and preparing for intense pain and fear is something I just can't seem to do.

But I am sooo looking forward to meeting this baby. I can't wait until the pregnant thing is over, of course. It's not my favorite part, at all. Be checking Josh's blog for pictures and stuff, if you're interested. He'll be handling all of that again, because he's good at it, and because his blog is so much prettier than mine.

The other thing on my mind, kind of stupid but here goes: In my most recent abortion post there is a long, LONG comment about the death of Lacy Peterson which has absolutely nothing to do with my point. At all. So, since it's been bugging me, to the writer I say, Way to not see anything in my blog except a ranting point of your own which subsequently had nothing to do with the point of the original post. Your insightfulness is astounding.

And to this day I am both surprised and irritated by people's ignorance. Some things never change.

Well, wish me luck!

Begin Again.

Wow it's been so long. A lot has changed and of course, a lot more will be changing soon so I was thinking that maybe I'd start this again and preserve my sanity.

It's been a good year.

I was just going over old posts ( I felt the need to review the days surrounding Riley's birth, for obvious reasons.) and realized that in 2006 I had like 57 posts and I've had significantly less since. There doesn't seem to be any for 2007...did I not write? I guess not. I posted a few things on my myspace blog, but nothing important. I've been feeling so frustrated with my sister and her teenage crap that I've written a few things to her there, but nothing really interesting.

To be clear, I am starting this again to document the birth of our next child. I want to be sure that there are blog posts and pictures and everything that Riley got. Recent events, and the fact that this is the second baby will not deter from the excitement of this baby. Not if I have anything to do with it. This is our baby. And he is important.

And being a boy is not a bad thing. I hate that stigma. The world needs more good men. I'd go on to have 20 sons if I could physically, emotionally, and financially handle it. Would buying some pink stuff be fun? Sure. But depriving the world of my awesome offspring is simply not an option. There will be one more. I have to fulfill my duty.

Ugh...that's my vent. At least a semi-vent as that's all I can appropriately get out. Otherwise, I'd have to go into details that are just not pretty and really, in my position, better left ignored. I am doing my absolute best to do that. And so with that, I will never speak of it again.

Unless something new happens. No...not even then. Well maybe. It depends on the severity.

So! We are staying at Josh's mom's. Don't laugh...jerk. It was a choice, and we're very grateful for it. See, Josh and I are very hard-core about getting out of debt, and we're doing awesome. Soon enough we will be completely free and have his entire salary at our disposal. We didn't know when we talked to her about moving in that we were going to have another baby. Oops. But it's turned out for the best because at least we won't have a huge financial stress on top of the stress of bringing another human life into the world.

But...Jax is dearly missed. My one huge regret. At least I know he's in a good home.

It should also be mentioned that our first son is still the most amazing, beautiful child ever born. I don't care who in this world breeds, until April 28th, there will not be a more astounding child. Sometimes, I honestly worry about the other baby living up to his awesome-ness. I'm told this is normal, though. Of course this baby will rock the world, he's ours.

As far as this pregnancy goes, it's been really easy. I've also been extremely healthy and I think have experience (and of course, God) to thank for that. I've been fortunate enough not to have gained any personal weight; I've even lost some. The baby and I are diabetes free, which is awesome, for lack of a better word. The only downside to that being I never get to see him. We had an ultra sound early on in which the technician seemed to predict that the baby is a male. I didn't believe it at first, because I had such a strong feeling that it would be a girl, but I've since given in to the fact that the technician is a professional and I'll just have to take her word for it for now. Oddly enough, I still have dreams that when I have the baby, it's a girl and I'm totally unprepared. It's so strange to me because I felt Riley so strongly. I knew he was a boy, I knew his name, he had a very strong personality even before birth. He was just...a presence. And maybe it's because I saw him every week in the ultra sounds, or because he was physically so big, or maybe even because I wasn't distracted by anything while I was pregnant with him. Let's just say, this one is different. I'm totally cool with it being a boy. I know boys. I can handle this. Besides, like I said, the world is certainly in need of good men.

Anyway, if anyone is interested or still reads this, I will hopefully be back to write more and more as the baby comes and of course, there will be pictures. =] Also, Josh has started a blog that is all about Riley, you can probably find the link from his page.

Until then, I'm taking a nap.

Life v. Choice?

***The topic for this blog came to me a few days ago and even though I'm not sure who, if anyone comes across this little piece of the world wide web, I sometimes struggle with over-playing some of my most important topics. So I struggled with whether or not to write this and I finally came up with the conclusion that as far as my beliefs go, I haven't done much to fight for them. Blogging is probably the most ridiculous thing I could do, but it is something. So I write.
Today I'm going to attempt something that I've never done before. Nor do I have any other writings to draw inspiration from. The thoughts to follow came from my own mind just a few days ago, as I said before. I have done my best to follow up all of my facts with credible sources.***

I have argued this topic more times than I can count. I've written papers, participated in protests and debates and I've had personal arguments with people I've come in contact with. I've argued my points from the perspectives of both religion and science. From my experiences I have learned one thing, people do not want to be convinced.

I think this is a truth that stands with any topic, but especially one that tends to create such bad blood as this. It seems, from my experience, that people who are on opposite sides of this debate really hate each other. I've had people call me horrible names, though I'd never return the favor. They diminished me personally, and my beliefs. I don't believe that this is a proper way to debate. I think these reactions come from strong feelings of hate, and I still to this day do not understand it.

But today I try a new approach. I don't want to argue for life from the prospectives of either religion or science as neither one has worked in the past. Today I ask you to look at the facts of the past actions of our government; and I ask you to look at yourself and your fellow Americans in a new light. We are one. They want us to forget that we out number them. In the past, our forefathers would not have stood for such blatant disregard for democracy. I don't think we should, either. Never in the history of our country has there been such a loss of power among the voting public.

There are several key points that pro-choicers bring up every time I talk to them. They're first argument is that abortion is a woman's choice and that a fetus is not a baby. I ask you this, does science make a baby, or do we? The basis for my question comes from a recent court case from Missouri (Willis Bailey, Appellant, v. State of Missouri, Respondent. 8-02-05). This case is an appeal from a man charged with murder when he stabbed and killed a woman he knew was three months pregnant (within the legal realm of abortion). He asks the court to reconsider as there is "no factual basis to support his guilty pleas relating to the unborn child".
Division Three holds: An unborn child is a person for purposes of first-degree murder, and Bailey's deliberation on and intent to kill a woman he knew was pregnant necessarily included deliberation on and intent to kill the unborn child. He was charged with two counts of first degree murder. (By the way, the baby was his, and he was aware of this fact.)

This case, taken place many years after Roe v. Wade has been alive and well, has decided that the killing of an unborn child, in the first term in fact, is murder. Why? How is this different than if the same woman had gone to an abortion clinic and aborted the child of her own will? Probably because of those last four words "of her own will." I believe that this definition completely squashes the entire pro-choice argument. To say a fetus is not a baby based on scientific "fact" (sorry about the air quotes but, it simply is not fact) is one thing. But to say a fetus is a baby only if the mother decides that it is, is quite another. It either is, or it isn't.

Scott Peterson was charged with the murders of both his wife and his unborn child. Laci Peterson was eight months pregnant at the time of her murder. I mention this in order to cover both ends of the spectrum. You could argue that I didn't bring up a case involving a woman in her second trimester, but to that I say what is the difference? Does a fetus suddenly become inhuman between the fourth and seventh month and then human once more in the eighth? I think not.

My point in bringing this up is such: I have many theories as to why the government would want abortion to remain legal. I also believe that it will always be legal, as much as that saddens me to say. I just don't see a change in the future. But I also believe that most Americans are not aware of just how important case law is. The judicial branch is in place to check the executive and legislative branches. Roe v. Wade occurred a long time ago and case law has since reversed it. The only reason it is now still in place is that of politics. I'm sure you've noticed that no one talks about abortion more than every four years when we have primaries and elections. Politicians know, and intentionally keep, abortion as a hot topic in order to gain votes.

I don't think it's a matter of science or principal anymore, friends; I think it's a matter of politics.

Now because I've started this discussion, I'd like to go ahead and bring up (and squash) a few more of the opposing arguments while I'm at it. The political discussion is my main point, as I don't think the rest of this matters, but I'll do it anyway since I have your attention.

After arguing that abortion is a mother's choice and that a fetus is not a baby, pro-choicers will usually take the "unwanted child and child abuse" stance. Roe v. Wade made abortion legal in 1973. Since then there have been babies found in trash cans, toilets, and under beds. There have been countless cases of child abuse and neglect and deaths resulting from such. I don't think abortion being legal has changed anything. Sadly, some people are very ill and will have children and beat them or murder them regardless of what the law allows. Those who want abortions, get them. Right now, the law allows for a woman to abort a baby and never even tell the father. It allows teenagers to get abortions without parental consent (in most states). If abortion were a solution, there'd be no reason for me to have to read about babies dying in trash cans, or children beaten or neglected by uncaring parents. Deserving families wait on lists for months, even years, for a baby to be born and put into the adoption system. All this being said, the unwanted child argument simply cannot stand.

The third argument I hear the most is that if abortion is made illegal, women will have to go under ground to get it done and that is very dangerous. I wonder, in these days of extremely convenient malpractice suits, how many doctors would be willing to sacrifice their licenses to do underground abortions for (what the pro-choicers call) poor, scared teenage girls. I'm willing to bet very few would. Those who did would surely eventually be sued by women who were unable to get pregnant again, or who later regretted their decision, thus ending the under ground abortion railroad, if you will.

Now that I've said what I've come to say, I ask you just consider the validity of the points made, especially those involving the court cases I mentioned. I don't think these are facts that we should sit on and say, "Well that's nice, but nothings going to change." Things may never change, that is true, but I don't want to be someone who didn't try.

My kid is better than yours

Don't try to argue. It's official.

Everybody told me before he was born that all parents, new parents especially, think their kid is the brightest, smartest, cutest, most amazing thing ever to grace the planet. I thought, how incredibly naive when the world has already produced such genius as Galileo and Mozart and Einstein. Sure, your kid is great, but you have no idea what he'll grow up to be.

I'm not saying I know Riley's future but I can tell you if he doesn't go into medicine or engineering or something equally amazing, it will be a waste of his fantasitcal brain.

And now I sound like one of those parents.

But honestly I'm not. I've been very down to earth about the whole thing. We noticed he was pretty special very early on, but we thought we were imagining it just like they said we would. Then other people started telling us his hand-eye coordination was amazing and that he shouldn't be able to do this or that yet.

He doesn't say many words, but I know for a fact he understands just about every word I say. I know this, because he'll bring me what I'm talking about, or answer my questions. (Who are we going to see, Riley? Dada!) So yes, I've been very cautious at labeling him a genius up until now. Even now I think I'm going to sound ridiculous but it's just my blog. I could say whatever I wanted to, honestly. But I really do think he's got something. Something amazing.

I get a presence of wisdom from him sometimes that simply floors me. I know he's an infant, but if I believed in past lives I'd probably say he's an old soul. Once when he was much younger, someone said to me "He smiles like he knows something, but he's not telling."

Sure, he still poops his pants. He runs into things and gets extremely frustrated when he can't do something. He throws random fits, takes naps, refuses food, everything a normal 18 month old would do. But he's still special. You just have to meet him to know that.

I often consider the way he came into the world. A series of seemingly random events that all lead up to this perfectly amazing, healthy child. It almost wasn't such a happy ending.

They diagnosed me with diabetes fairly late in my pregnancy. Riley was already quite large. I was so worried because this could mean he'd come out over weight or with diabetes or heart disease. I had to get sonograms every week to make sure he wasn't getting lethargic or worse. They monitored his heart very closesly and it was very important that he did 5 specific moves every week, or else I'd have to go to the hospital for a more intense stress test. But the little guy pulled through every week for over a month. I never had to get the stress test. Still, I worried.

I was so intesely concerned infact, that my mom had to keep calming me down. I'd have to say it's the worse off I'd ever been. Nothing anybody could say made me feel any better.

One day I was thinking, Why God? Why did this happen? What did I do? What if, what if, what if. And I suddenly felt this peace over me and I just knew that he was going to be ok. Not just ok, great. And I knew, somehow, that it wasn't just for the pregnancy or birth. I felt like God was saying he had a plan for him, and that I didn't need to worry about his future at all.

And I haven't, ever since.

I think I described before what happened before his birth, but I'll say it again because this is a Riley story, and I don't think all these facts have been put down in one place before. For some reason, he hadn't dropped down into the birth canal even two weeks after my due date. The doctors didn't know why, but they knew he needed to come out. They gave me the option of a c-section and having labor induced. I was scared to death of both options, but the c-section especially. The doctors said that since they had no idea why he hadn't come yet, they couldn't offer any advice as to what I should do. They left it up to us.

The doctor left us alone to talk about it and I remember saying to Josh, half crying, that I knew I needed the c-section. Even though it was an option I had refused to educate myself about during the pregnancy, because it was just too scary. We told the doctor, had the operation and it turned out that Riley's cord had been wrapped around his neck. Twice.

I'm not sure if you know what this kind of condition can do to a newborn if forced down the birthcanal with limited oxygen, but the options are pretty much one form of retardation or another.

So you see, it's not just me who thought Riley's intelligence would be something of importance in his life.

There's something about that guy.

Gah!

I'm quite aware that life is not fair. I think you learn that as soon as you start school and you realize your whole life isn't just about naps and cookies and Christmas.

I'm not so surprised when bad things happen to good people. That's just life. It's a sinful world and the actions of bad people are bound to touch the innocent. If not, there wouldn't be crack babies. I mean, honestly.

But what does surprise and irritate the hell out of me is the fact that good things happen to bad people. Where's the justice in that? I've been told time and again that God does not cause bad things to happen to people, he allows it. I don't understand that, but it makes more sense than a supposedly just God allowing good things to happen to people who certainly do not deserve it.

Yes, I believe in punishment. Josh even goes so far as to call me "mean" when I believe people have done wrong and they need to feel the consequences of those actions. I'm not saying that I think I have the right to do the punishing. I never do. Though, if given the chance, I will verbally put people in place who offend me or my loved ones. But that's not what I mean.

I mean whatever happened to plagues and turning people into pillars of salt? Haha...but seriously.

I know I've done some bad things. But really, I haven't. I've never intentionally harmed anyone. I've never gone out of my way to do the wrong thing. I'm the good girl, believe it or not. Yeah, we got into some harmless trouble as kids. No, I didn't wait until I was 21 to have my first drink. I'm not perfect and I know it. I also believe that I have been punished in this world, and that I have more to come when I die. I just know that's how it works.

So how is it that good things happen to bad people? Why??

I just don't have the answer today. Maybe I never will.

Gay, much?

Well I'm totally excited. Ann's coming out with a new book. So I'm very happy, even though I haven't made it all the way through a book since I read "What to Expect when you're Expecting" when I was pregnant like...a year and a half ago. That's bad. I'm a book lover, honestly. But one year old little boys are not so much. Unless the pages happen to have textures and cut-outs and pop-ups. And it really does have to be a combination of all three.

But anyway, I somehow stumbled over the news of this book (soon to come) and it inspired me to check out some of her articles which I haven't done in literally forever. I'm not totally uninformed because we've started to watch the O'Reilly Factor (for which I'll have to comment later. I like it, but I'm not a huge fan). Television is more accessible because I can be cleaning, changing diapers, and playing with Legos and listen at the same time. Maybe I'll order Ann's new book on CD. That worked last time.

But I ran in to her recent article titled "Taze him, bro!". Haha. If you haven't heard of that incident then really, get your head out of your ass. The article wasn't really about that, it was about the Iranian president (Ahmadijad? haha...I don't really care) visiting and giving a speech at Columbia University last week. I find the whole thing pretty ridiculous and offensive, and so does she, but what struck me was this quote from the president:

Responding to a question about Iran's execution of homosexuals, Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals, like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it."


The truth is they don't call it gay sex there. They just call it sex.

(By the way, none of the following information is from Ann, these are things I've researched myself).

If you haven't noticed, Middle Eastern men are, to put it mildly, a bit sexist. But it doesn't stop there. Their culture and religion do not allow the women to look like anything other than a burlap sack, really. You see, their belief is that women are only for reproduction. Sex for pleasure? Well that's reserved for the people who really deserve it.

That's right. The guys. Buddies. They're all about the gay sex.

But it's not homosexuality. It's just...sex. haha. Right.

Yeah, but anyway, if you didn't hear the speech or anything about it, it's pretty funny. I mean, you have to have a sense of humor about these things. Apparently, he didn't feel like he was greeted in America with much respect. Though I don't know why he would expect that. He also wants to visit Ground Zero in New York and he wants to make a big deal about it. He's pretty offended that we haven't allowed him that little treasure yet either.

Personally, I think we should. I mean, who could be blamed for his death at the hands of an angry New York mob? It's pretty much your own fault for getting caught up in it.

So I have to go. Riley's playing guitar. Standing up. Alone.

Rocks and places of extreme density

Ugh. I have a decision to make. I'm pretty sure I've actually made it, but I feel like I need to have one of those hard talks with someone I love. And I'm also pretty sure it will only piss them off and they won't listen to a word I say. I hate those talks. But I also feel that there's no point in believing in things if you're not going to stand up for them when the time comes.

Wish me luck.