People Suck.

Okay, so I am aware that the title is both unimaginative and immature, but I don't care. It fits. And it's honestly the only way I can think to put how I'm feeling about the general human race at the moment.

Actually, this has been going on for years. And I don't think I mean all people. And I am slightly aware that, since the common denominator is me, maybe I am the one who sucks. For now, I'm just going to say that "People" suck, and I'll state my case and maybe you will agree and maybe you won't.

The first friend that I can really remember having is Candice. I met her in 4th grade, when my family moved down to the beach. I won't go into all the history that came before that, which had a great deal to do with who I am today, I will save that for another blog. I will say, that moving to a new school and making new friends was something that I was not a stranger to. For some reason, I picked Candice and that is how it has been ever since.

Our relationship is rocky at best, and has always been this way. She's had kind of a difficult life too, and I know that tends to make one a little flaky. I myself, am flaky, so I don't exactly hold that against her. I do hold the fact that she has blamed every bad thing that has ever happened to her on me against her. And the fact that every time she ever got into trouble, she must have told her family that it was my fault, because that is how they have always treated me. For some reason, I am a trouble making, slutty hoodlum in their eyes, though to my knowledge, I have never done anything to deserve that reputation. When they heard I was getting married, the first thing her mother said was "Oh, she must be pregnant." It's not because I'd been faithfully dating the love of my life for the past four years. Oh...and I wasn't anywhere near pregnant until a year and half AFTER the wedding. Go figure. So, I guess you can see I have some bitterness here.

Candice has never been one that I could share my secrets with. She always shared them with her mother, her boyfriends, or whoever else she felt needed to know. I had to find this out the hard way, many times. I can't explain how many times I've felt stabbed in the back and basically abandoned by this person who calls herself my "best friend". Anytime she's ever had a boyfriend, I've been pushed to the back burner until they'd broken up. I know this happens to everybody, but after ten years of friendship, you start to expect a little more. Plus, I'd never done that to her.

I don't know if it has to do with being pregnant, or the fact that a lot has changed in our lives in the past few months ( a job change, a big move) but I've been feeling especially vulnerable. Therefore, I pretty much decided to just stay within my inner circle which basically only consists of Josh and our immediate family. Branching out right now, for me just seems too painful. And Candice never has anything nice to say. She's very critical...of everything. She turns her nose up at the fact that we're having a baby every chance she can get. To say that hurts me is putting it very mildly. Despite the fact that I know deep down that she is not now, nor ever has been my best friend, parts of me hold on to the fact that she could have been and though she doesn't deserve the title, she claims it every time it is convenient.

This is the girl who didn't come to my baby shower because she was mad at me.

Unfortunately, I don't have to make this stuff up. She called me on Monday, sounding peeved, and wanted to meet me at Starbucks. Fine. So I go, and after about three hours of talking she says, "So, I have to get this off my chest." Being the gracious friend that I am, and knowing she'd been through a tough personal problem a few weeks ago, I hadn't yet mentioned the shower, and the fact that she neither called nor showed up. "Okay." I said, and waited for the ball to drop.
"Well I didn't come to your shower because I was mad at you. You never returned my call."
I just blinked. Thousands of hateful thoughts started to flood my brain, but mostly I was just shocked, yet again, at her selfishness. I pretty much explained in the paragraph above why I didn't call. She hurts my feelings for sport, and I'm pregnant and damn it, I don't feel like dealing with her right now.
Yet, I said nothing. She went on,
"Plus, I didn't get you a present."

I wished so badly Josh was with me. He would have given her an ear full. Why is it that when it comes to her, I can't defend myself?

Then of course, there was Mark and Karen. That was just one huge "Ouch." We thought they were friends of ours. We introduced them to our friends and family, they even stayed a night at Josh's mom's! We trusted them with our time, emotions and even our money but when it came down to it, they were only interested in the latter. It's not even like we had a lot of it, but they had big plans. None of which involved us, it turns out. My heart couldn't have been more broken and I can honestly say I haven't yet forgiven them. They called once, last month. Said something to Josh about how they have a team down here now and that we should come out to the meeting. No thanks. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, I'm pulling the freaking trigger, you dig?!

Those were the two major influences that I can remember right now. There were tons of other people, and thus tons of other reasons, why I should never attempt to make another friend as long as I live. Like that time when I was the new girl at church, and I was standing in the group with the rest of the girls, making plans for the weekend and one of them says to me, in front of everyone, "No, not YOU." Yeah. How do you recover from that? I'll tell you how, you start hanging out with the guys. There's something so primitive and easy about men that I find irresistible in the friend department. They're honest, and they hardly ever work to deceive you. They just don't see the game in it. Of course, being the girl that only hung out with the boys at church helped label me in a new way. By then, though, I had already given up.

So Candice's friends and family told her that because I hadn't returned her call in a few days, she should replace me as her maid of honor. (Long story, but she's supposed to be getting married in October. Too bad she doesn't have a date, place or even colors picked yet. And of course, somehow, this is all my fault.) After my talk with my mom and my husband (who both believe that her reasons for not coming to my shower and for being the way she is are basically bullshit) I am starting to feel the same way. Maybe she SHOULD replace me. Maybe I've lost interest. Maybe, just this once, I have my OWN life and crap to deal with and MAYBE I'm about to have a child and that is a BIG DEAL. Maybe, this one time, I'm not going to feel bad for something I haven't even done and I'll focus my time and energy where it belongs, on my family and even myself. I'm tired of feeling guilty and taking responsibility for her stupid mistakes, and I'm REALLY tired of being the topic of conversation in a house I haven't stepped foot in for three years. They know exactly shit about my life, and what I've been through, and what's going on now. All she cared about at Starbucks was getting out her feelings, and exactly why they were my fault. And all I did was, in Josh's words, "take it up the butt". I QUIT THIS JOB.

God, if I had the actual gumption to call her up and say that. I wish more than anything that I did. I could just get it over with, and that painful part of my life could finally end. I guess that is why I suck.

And I'm not in the market for any more heart break. I'm quite satisfied with the people I know now. I don't have the time, energy or room in my life for a person who may or may not shatter me yet again. It's one gamble I am NOT willing to take at this time. I've come to the conclusion that people are not deserving of my friendship and I am not deserving of the pain they will inevitably put me through. I know I sound dangerously near becoming a hermit, or one of those freaky "Cat ladys" all the children in the neighborhood are afraid of, but I do have some friends. And I do have my family and believe it or not, I love a good "surface friendship" every once in a while. I really enjoy meeting and talking to new people, but I won't go any deeper than that anymore. The honest truth is I'm scared to death, and I don't have an evidence as to why I shouldn't be.

People suck.