Unwritten

I'm definitely not a band-wagon kind of girl, but I've got to admit this Natasha Bedingfield song has got my attention. Musically, it's not anything spectacular or even slightly unique but at this time in my life, I find the words kind of meaningful. Once upon a time I was a bit of a spit-fire. If I had an opinion people heard it loud and clear and shy wasn't part of my vocabulary. Somewhere between the embarrassment, splits and broken hearts my spine has deteriorated somewhat through out the years. The only times I make my opinions heard now are through this blog and to my husband, who at this moment is the only person who hears me. Period.

In the business, they told us that as children we have such large dreams and that through the years our dreams get smaller because our world is limited by what money we make. That wasn't exactly true in my case. I've picked up and left off so many things. For instance, when Josh and I first married I knew I couldn't go back to school full time so I picked up dog grooming. I finished my classes and volunteered some time at the Humane Society to gain experience. I was pretty good, and I really liked it (though I will admit it was back-breaking and one half dead German Shepherd did bite me). Anyway, then I called every groomer I could find in the phone book to ask for an interview. Most of them were self-employed and didn't need any help so I went out to the streets to go shop to shop looking for a grooming job. The first shop I went into, the owner invited me to stay and work the day to try out for the job. I did and she gave me a 200 lb blue collie as one of my clients. I held my own and ruined my interview clothes and at the end of the day she gave me her number to call her after dinner because she said she would have to think about whether or not she would want me to come back tomorrow. Seven o'clock came and I called.

I am hoping for her sake that she was terribly drunk, because the woman who answered the phone was either that, or the biggest bitch to ever grace God's green earth. She told me she wouldn't be wanting me (in many more words, most of them expletives and all of them rude) and that I'd never amount to anything, that my education was worth nothing and that I was a loser. It took her about 45 minutes to say all this and all I did was sit next to Josh in the car, with my mouth wide open and I am ashamed to admit I even thanked her at the end of the call. That was the day I lost all of my self-respect.

Josh wanted to go vandalize her building, in the end I forgot her name and most of the awful words she said to me but I never groomed another dog.

And she is just one example out of many. I don't know if having Riley has something to do with it, but I have decided that I'm not going to be that girl anymore. I want to be the girl I used to be, only now with the tact that can only come with age and experience. I'm finally going to start healing that old spine of mine.

It's like India Arie said, "The only thing constant in the world is change. That's why each day I take life as it comes."

And this is Unwritten. My theme song for the moment.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way