When I say shotgun, you say wedding.

I swear if there had been a shotgun at this wedding I would be unable to write this post right now as I would have turned it on at least half the groom's family. And then probably myself.

I guess it wasn't technically a shotgun wedding because they were engaged for over a year and the planning that went into it was at the level of something you might see on MTV or Bridezilla. I will say this...there's something to be said for saving the best for last.

I'm going to go into detail here of the WORST wedding I have ever been to. Actually, I'd say it was one of the saddest events I'd ever taken part in, and I literally had a bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing for the rest of the weekend and it's coming back as I write this post. Yeah...it's gonna take me a while to get over this one. And that's why, I guess, I got so darn drunk. But that's the end. We'll start at the beginning.

I was the Maid of Honor. I didn't want to be, but I agreed to it over a year ago before I really knew what I was going in to. The worst part is, I honestly felt deep in my heart that it would never actually happen. The guy is...well...not one for coming through with promises or actually accomplishing much of anything, really. So I thought, yeah she's got this big obnoxious ring but...

But I was wrong. A year later my bill comes to and I have to actually do this thing. So Saturday I show up at the groom's parent's house (which is actually the happy couples' house too. They have a room all to themselves upstairs. Ahh...the married bliss.) and shit is literally hitting the fan. Fat girls are running around, half naked and screaming upstairs where the bride herself is having damn near a nervous breakdown. The groom's mother thinks it's a good idea to have her start doing shots an hour before the wedding starts. (Enter a big sarcastic thumbs up from me here) Every five minutes this woman is saying "You're the maid of honor what are you doing." "You're the maid of honor you should be doing this" "You're the maid of honor, this is you're job." Whew. I deserve a big frigging reward for not hitting this woman. I think I said some things later to her whilst intoxicated. Nothing like she actually deserved. The bride...meh. Some best friend. I went out of the room where everyone was getting ready to fetch something for the little princess and when I get back in the groom's mother is putting earrings on the bride (something she can do herself when she hasn't been pounding shots) and her back is to the door and she's talking all kinds of crap about me. Candice is trying to tell her with her eyes that I'm standing right behind her, but the dumb @#$% that she is, she doesn't get the hint. So I'm standing there listening with my eyebrow raised until she says, "Where is the maid of honor anyway." And I just said "Right here." And she knew by my tone I'd been there long enough to hear my life story according to her. Blah. I loath people like that. I know she takes big dumps though, so it doesn't bother me. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't...

Well, that's not very nice. :-]

Anyway the whole ceremony was 20 minutes long. The reception started immediately. The bride and groom were together for about another 20 minutes while they were eating, then they were off to the bar. They didn't see each other again until the bride puked on him at the end of the night. Aww...I went and spoiled the ending.

About half way through the stupid reception I realized that all our old girl friends heard that I hadn't made the bachlorette party because they were all huddling around Candice and giving me the eye. So I jumped in and started having some woo-hoo's with them because I just couldn't take anymore. Once we'd been drinking for a while, nobody even cared who had heard what about who. If you know me at all you know I'm not a drinker. I don't even have one once in a while for fun. Alcohol is yucky. But woo-hoo's taste like juice and I knew the man was in good hands with his daddy and I just went for it. Glamorous, I know. I've never had a grand finale like the bride. I suppose my Irish blood is good for something.

There were a whole lot of drunken "I love you's" coming from everyone (though ironically enough, none between the bride and groom) but Candice is turning into something that I can't even begin to understand. The words to describe it are on the tip of my tongue but I feel bad even thinking it. I mean...the bride doing shots before her perfectly planned, over stressed, wedding? How tacky can you be. Oh...well I guess you could get completely smashed on your wedding night and end up puking on your new husband and crashing on his parents floor, never making it to your honeymoon suite. Yeah. That's the cherry on top.

Oh...and it was caught on tape, too. As they were cutting the cake she said, in front of everyone (including her parents who up to this point thought she was an angel) "You know I'm drunk!" Hahaha. Geez. Well it's not like we're under age. It's not even like I'm totally against getting a good buzz on once in a while. Your wedding night is a different story though. Totally.

So there goes it. I went and broke my rule about people's personal lives. Damn. Not like anybody reads this anyway.

It's about Time.

Well here it is. Another random collection of the crap in my head. Sort of an update, if you will.

I got a hair cut. Friggin finally. It makes me happy. The best hair cuts cover up most of your face.

Sadie is (probably) going to have some puppies pretty soon. I can't say for sure that she hasn't just morphed into a fat, saggy dog suddenly. But she looks disgusting and that's usually a pretty good sign of pregnancy. If she does have puppies, I'm super excited because they are sooooo damn cute. That will also mean yet another full time job for me and that will make three but at least this one will produce some money. Hopefully.

I made a bad decision this weekend. It was not at all like me. It was mean and spiteful and I knew I shouldn't do it but I did it anyway. Candice was having a bachelorette party and I totally blew it off. ( I know what you're thinking, I'm an idiot because like her or not free booze and fun is always good!) But you are wrong. When you're with Candice, you are in the center of the universe, which is her home because the world revolves around her. Soooo...if you were even thinking about having fun you should probably just forget it. Besides, she only has like two friends and one of them is supposed to be me but she's treated me like shit so I'm done with that. The other one isn't even old enough to drink and I'm done getting minors in trouble. So basically I didn't go and I didn't call to tell her I wasn't going. Sound familiar? Yeah...that's what she did to me with my baby shower. Only the bachelorette thing is no big deal. I already threw her a fabulous bridal shower which only four people came to and it pretty much put me into the hole. And no "thank you's" of course. Now she's leaving me messages and emails in her "angry voice" saying things like "We need to talk." Which is what she was doing when she wanted to tell me why she didn't come to my baby shower. And her stupid frigging excuse....oh man every time I think about it I want to hurt her physically.

It's not that I'm such a princess that I think everybody who didn't come to my shower is an evil bitch. There were lots of people who didn't come (though most of them sent at least a card for the baby, or called and said they weren't coming) The point is she was supposed to be my BEST friend. But she ditched me at a very important time. See, going to someone's shower is like saying, "I support you in this. Congratulations!" and she never said either. She doesn't even pretend to like Riley. And basically I'm sick of the Bull. After the wedding I pretty much plan to cut her off completely. Blah.

What else...ugh I don't know. I guess I've been a little depressed. There's so much going on. Josh has been working on one kind of freelance or another for the past year and I'm a little tired of it. We both are. But we need to get out of debt. We need to not still have these same problems 5 years from now. This year has definitely been better than the last. I NEED to move out of this house soon. And by soon I mean someday. I'm not staying here forever. I can't.

Yesterday was a pretty tough day. The man is teething and he needs something he doesn't understand so he just cries. I'm already depressed and tired and stressed out so this is very hard on the both of us. Josh comes home for lunch and I go to take a shower and cool off for a minute as is my usual practice. Yes, my shower is still dark, scarey and the ugliest thing I've ever seen but we fixed the stream problem so it's been ok. I still wear flip flops. But yesterday I got in and it was like trying to shower in the rain. Worse, in the sink. In a dark, scary, UGLY sink. I flipped out. Josh had to come up stairs and check on me. I was literally screaming at the shower. "Why won't you just work you bastard!!!" And some other, even harsher words. And I was kind of crying. It's embarrassing to admit that but...I can live with a lot of things. I can even deal with the stress of our lives right now and take it all in stride. But if I can't even take a freaking shower!!! It's on. Unfortunately my screaming didn't fix it and I had to get out with all the soap in my hair and everything. It was just impossible to rinse. I was miserable.

Anyway I got over it, of course. I can't just be miserable when I have a child to take care of. Hopefully today will be better.

This is getting long I guess so I'll wrap it up. It sounds like I'm complaining but I truthfully don't do that much in real life. I actually do like our house, our dogs, our car, baby and even our friends (just not the one I mentioned above). My family even seems to be doing a little better. Baby steps. Speaking of, Riley is doing awesome too. He's got a lot of fuzzy hair and he's so cool. Sometimes he will just play with his own hands and they are so fascinating to him. Josh knows how to make him laugh really hard and he does so often. He's got a great laugh. He's almost six months old...I can't believe it.

So that's kind of an update. Of course there's tons more going on, but my wrists hurt and the man is tired of jumping.

Everybody Poops

Its true and also quite enlightening. If somebody doesn't poop, they are not special. They are constipated. And they are to be pitied.

I'd have to say one of the biggest compliments I've ever got (and I've gotten it a few times from a few different people) is when this one girl, who actually didn't like me much, came up to me and said. "You make being on the outside look cool. Like everyone else is on the outside of you." Meanwhile I'm feeling like a fungus the rest of the group didn't want to catch. But it was good to know I'm kind of an attractive fungus.

Josh and I had two other couples over for dinner Monday night. It was an absolute blast and they all got a little tipsy which was pretty cute. We're goody-goodies. (Atleast compared to the more regular party people that I know and who, I might add, I definitely do NOT envy.) Actually it all started at a party for an old friend that we went to on Sunday. I saw a bunch of people I hadn't talked to in forever. They were all doing really well and it made me feel sad for the old group. We all kind of went our own ways about two years ago. The last time I'd seen those guys was actually the day of our wedding. Just to give you an idea.

Anyway so having dinner at our house was awesome. They actually cooked for us, using our kitchen which was pretty cool. They brought wine, thus the tipsy-ness I mentioned earlier. The guys played guitar and we all shared about our dysfunctional families. It's good to be in familiar territory. Josh and I loved it so much we are officially calling our house "open". So anybody who wants to come cook us dinner, get drunk and bitch about their families is welcome here. Or, if you just want to come over that's cool too.

I guess I'm kind of circling around my point, which was weak to begin with. Basically I'm saying that most of the time I feel completely inferior to everyone, though I guess I don't really come off that way. So my most recent little invention to make myself feel better is to think well...they gotta poop sometime. Gross as that may be, there is nothing more embarrassing than being caught on the pot. So, when I feel like someone is being condescending, I picture myself walking in on them taking a big dump and I kinda chuckle and back out of the bathroom like..."Ha! Not so special now, are ya." And you might think, "Well yeah but isn't that embarrassing for you, too?" Why me? They're the ones with their pants down.

So if someone's being a jerk, just picture them doing something completely natural. And disgusting. And then if you're not feeling a little more on their level then at least you were distracted for a minute.

And if you think I'm stupid, remember that if you express those feelings in my comment box, I WILL be picturing you on the toilet.

Good day.