Identity Crisis.

Yeah, and it's only been three weeks. Okay, to be fair to myself its been almost four. A whole month. Still, there is a lot of "me" missing. My priorities have definitely changed, and I knew that would happen. I even had a pretty good idea that I'd be kind of a different person after the baby was born but I didn't think that I'd cease to exist completely.

No, I haven't been blown into oblivion. It just feels that way sometimes. I'm not complaining, just stating how I feel. To get it down in words, this is what the past three weeks have been like.

First of all EVERYTHING is wet. I change my clothes as often as I change the baby. Why? Because what ever he does ends up on me too. I'd have never thought that. It's a minor crisis because I don't have a whole lot of clothes that fit again just yet. Riley has more clothes that fit than I do, so it's not that big of a deal for him though he does protest to being changed every once in a while. Also, he sleeps in bed with us. Don't wag a finger at me, I'm tired and this is how I'm choosing to raise my child. So anyway, I lay him down on one of those big spit cloth things but somehow he still soaks my entire side of the bed with one bodily fluid or another.

He doesn't cry a whole lot but sometimes he's just...awake. Very. Unless he's asleep which means he's plotting to ruin any chance for sleep I might have been hoping for.

Like Josh said in his post, he knows when we are eating and decides he would also like to eat. I guess that's okay, except at the moment that means that I don't eat, as feeding him takes up my whole lap and both hands. When he doesn't eat on time, that opens up a whole new mess of problems for me.

And so I guess everyone with kids laughed at me when I talked about going to the beach with my newborn. Looking back, I'd laugh at myself too. We can go to the store and yes, he did awesome at Six Flags, but he would never work out at the beach. Not at this point. He is either asleep (on me) or eating (on me) or awake (also, on me). So, either I sit and sweat in the sun and get a baby shaped tan (no fun) or I splurge a little and get a tanning package and a few minutes a day away from the baby to get my tan. I like option two.

Don't get me wrong. I've left him alone with Josh a couple times to go to the store and the whole time I'm gone I think about him and worry about him and feel guilty for leaving him. And yes, it's been six months since I've had a job and YES I am itching to go back to work (at least a little bit) but I love my son. It's just a big adjustment so far. I'm a little disappointed by not being able to go to the beach. Maybe when he's older and a little more independent we'll be able to go.

Until then, I'll buy my tan.