When I say shotgun, you say wedding.

I swear if there had been a shotgun at this wedding I would be unable to write this post right now as I would have turned it on at least half the groom's family. And then probably myself.

I guess it wasn't technically a shotgun wedding because they were engaged for over a year and the planning that went into it was at the level of something you might see on MTV or Bridezilla. I will say this...there's something to be said for saving the best for last.

I'm going to go into detail here of the WORST wedding I have ever been to. Actually, I'd say it was one of the saddest events I'd ever taken part in, and I literally had a bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing for the rest of the weekend and it's coming back as I write this post. Yeah...it's gonna take me a while to get over this one. And that's why, I guess, I got so darn drunk. But that's the end. We'll start at the beginning.

I was the Maid of Honor. I didn't want to be, but I agreed to it over a year ago before I really knew what I was going in to. The worst part is, I honestly felt deep in my heart that it would never actually happen. The guy is...well...not one for coming through with promises or actually accomplishing much of anything, really. So I thought, yeah she's got this big obnoxious ring but...

But I was wrong. A year later my bill comes to and I have to actually do this thing. So Saturday I show up at the groom's parent's house (which is actually the happy couples' house too. They have a room all to themselves upstairs. Ahh...the married bliss.) and shit is literally hitting the fan. Fat girls are running around, half naked and screaming upstairs where the bride herself is having damn near a nervous breakdown. The groom's mother thinks it's a good idea to have her start doing shots an hour before the wedding starts. (Enter a big sarcastic thumbs up from me here) Every five minutes this woman is saying "You're the maid of honor what are you doing." "You're the maid of honor you should be doing this" "You're the maid of honor, this is you're job." Whew. I deserve a big frigging reward for not hitting this woman. I think I said some things later to her whilst intoxicated. Nothing like she actually deserved. The bride...meh. Some best friend. I went out of the room where everyone was getting ready to fetch something for the little princess and when I get back in the groom's mother is putting earrings on the bride (something she can do herself when she hasn't been pounding shots) and her back is to the door and she's talking all kinds of crap about me. Candice is trying to tell her with her eyes that I'm standing right behind her, but the dumb @#$% that she is, she doesn't get the hint. So I'm standing there listening with my eyebrow raised until she says, "Where is the maid of honor anyway." And I just said "Right here." And she knew by my tone I'd been there long enough to hear my life story according to her. Blah. I loath people like that. I know she takes big dumps though, so it doesn't bother me. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't...

Well, that's not very nice. :-]

Anyway the whole ceremony was 20 minutes long. The reception started immediately. The bride and groom were together for about another 20 minutes while they were eating, then they were off to the bar. They didn't see each other again until the bride puked on him at the end of the night. Aww...I went and spoiled the ending.

About half way through the stupid reception I realized that all our old girl friends heard that I hadn't made the bachlorette party because they were all huddling around Candice and giving me the eye. So I jumped in and started having some woo-hoo's with them because I just couldn't take anymore. Once we'd been drinking for a while, nobody even cared who had heard what about who. If you know me at all you know I'm not a drinker. I don't even have one once in a while for fun. Alcohol is yucky. But woo-hoo's taste like juice and I knew the man was in good hands with his daddy and I just went for it. Glamorous, I know. I've never had a grand finale like the bride. I suppose my Irish blood is good for something.

There were a whole lot of drunken "I love you's" coming from everyone (though ironically enough, none between the bride and groom) but Candice is turning into something that I can't even begin to understand. The words to describe it are on the tip of my tongue but I feel bad even thinking it. I mean...the bride doing shots before her perfectly planned, over stressed, wedding? How tacky can you be. Oh...well I guess you could get completely smashed on your wedding night and end up puking on your new husband and crashing on his parents floor, never making it to your honeymoon suite. Yeah. That's the cherry on top.

Oh...and it was caught on tape, too. As they were cutting the cake she said, in front of everyone (including her parents who up to this point thought she was an angel) "You know I'm drunk!" Hahaha. Geez. Well it's not like we're under age. It's not even like I'm totally against getting a good buzz on once in a while. Your wedding night is a different story though. Totally.

So there goes it. I went and broke my rule about people's personal lives. Damn. Not like anybody reads this anyway.