Clarity

So I feel like I need to explain myself. I hate explaining myself and I hardly ever do it because I'm just one of those hard headed people that believes I have a right to just be me. I'll grant you the same right, as long as you being you doesn't interfere with me being me...haha.

Though honestly, ask Josh, I have no problem with apologizing later if I realize I'm wrong.

Anyway. Gaw - I'm doing a lot of explaining. Maybe all the heat and moving are making me delirious. In light of some recent events, I feel like I need to remind myself (and maybe a few others) that I really am a nice person. Really. Despite all my complaining, I really do love people. I'm very forgiving, understanding, and I like to extend a hand to people who have made some mistakes in the past. I'm not afraid of "bad" people. (Stupid people I can't stand, but that's another thing all together.)

It's just that my family is kind of the exception to all my rules. So if I feel like some "bad" people are going to interfere with the people I love, I can get pretty aggressive. Sometimes, a little too aggressive. Like when I forget that Sam's little friends are only 13. They don't mean what they say and do anymore than Riley does, sometimes. Not that I've done anything to any of her friends, of course. But I've thought about it. I really can't help the thoughts and feelings that pop up in my mind when I get all hyper-protective. I've tried. If I were ever to get counseling, it'd be for something like that. hah. But I won't, the Air Force doesn't look kindly on visits to the Shrink.

Ok, ok. So here's what really happened. Around the time I found out we were having Riley, my brother got this awful girl friend. She was the poster child for crazy Sussex County women. She was so jealous, she didn't allow Mike to talk to me and kept deleting messages and emails I wrote to him. So I flipped out on her. I was so angry (and, in my defense, hormonal) that I was sure, had she been around, things would have gotten physical. (Who knows, but that's how mad I was) I said to her, "Whatever, you'll be gone by next Christmas." And I was right. It turned out she'd been using drugs and sleeping with every guy within a 20 mile radius so my brother was quick to dump her.

And I actually have a pretty soft place in my heart for girls like her. But not when they date my brother, you dig?

Anyway, now she's back. Kind of. I don't really know what's going on because Mike denies dating her but she's been contacting him and just basically getting on my last nerve. So I wrote her a note (Myspace = evil.) and I basically said not to let me catch her around my parent's house. Last time I restrained myself out of respect for Mike, but I don't plan to this time. She was mean to the kids, completely anti-social, and of course the ringer being she's a real life crack head.

It's not that I feel bad about what I said to her because I meant every word. I regret that it wasn't as well written as it could have been, but that's about it. I just feel like, after everything that's happened since we've moved down here, I haven't had a chance to show my good side. I mean it's been drama after drama. I don't believe Josh and I have asked for it either, we're pretty low key. I'm really itching to do something nice for somebody.

So...anybody need anything while I'm out?